Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Nothing New

Again I have been lacking at keeping up to date with what's been going on with me, but to be honest, not a whole heck of a lot has. I find that I have been lacking a lot recently...lacking motivation, inspiration, passion. Worry not my fellow friends, I am not depressed, I am just stuck in a rut. I've been asking myself a lot of questions recently, but have not really been able to answer very many of them...if any at all.  The biggest one may be, what am I doing with my life? I don't know if it's b/c I have uprooted myself from everything I know and am comfortable with or if it's because I am 32 and don't really have a clear path set out for what I want to be when I grow up. I've always been the kind of person who "did" without thinking about it first. I don't mean I don't think the important decisions out, I mean that when I get an idea in my head that excites me I want to do it and do it now!  For example, when I decided to move to New York I had 2 options on my plate that I was looking at...go back to school and get my Masters in Theatre Education OR move to New York and see where life takes me. Both were going to cost quite a bit of money and effort but I chose the one more exciting to me. I didn't want to go back to taking tests and having homework or writing papers, I wanted something excitingly new.  I already knew what school was like and we didn't always get along so well.

After a while in New York I decided to see if Frank Sinatra was right when saying "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere..." and decided to make the move here.  Well, here I am. After a year of thinking about it, a year of searching for flats, searching for flatmates, searching for cheap airline tickets...I made it to London. So now what? I think this is where I go wrong, I don't think it completely through. I make it to the destination spot and then I am stuck.  Now I want you to all know that this is not me telling you all I made the wrong decision. This is not a cry for help. I couldn't feel more right about being here, but now I need to figure out what I am doing here. I've been looking for work for the last 2.5 months and it hasn't really panned out yet, and at the same time I am not sure what kind of work I want to do. I can tell you the kind of work I don't want to do though...

When I first moved to New York it took me about 9 months to a year to really feel like I had gotten my bearings. I no longer felt like I was trying to "figure things out" not that I figured everything out, but that I felt like I was doing something right. I think my problem is that maybe I thought that since I figured it out in New York, London was going to be a breeze. I arrive and it's all sorted out for me. But it's not. Its just like when I moved to New York, I need a settling period. I don't need to have it all figured out after only 3 months!  I'm stuck in the mindset that I am 32 and should have my life figured out, but I don't and begin to panic. I begin to think I am a failure. I begin to think that I suck at life. But I need to pull my self out of that mindset and let things happen...better yet, make things happen. I don't need to be all figured out at 32, I'm still young. At least I think I am!

Sometimes I fear that people are judging me for the decisions I have made, but they are my decisions to be made. I am the one who is going to either thrive on it and make a success of myself or I am going to fall on my face, pick myself back up, brush myself off and try something else. Life is too short to worry so much about what everyone is thinking or to worry too much about what I am doing. Someone I know once told me, "I go to bed every night thinking, today was a good day. And I wake up in the morning and think today is going to be better than yesterday." I can only strive to be that positive. But it's worth trying. Anything positive is worth trying.

*To my friends and family...Please don't be worried about me. I am not losing it. You know I would call you crying if I was miserably unhappy. I am not, I'm just figuring life out.*  

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